so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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