So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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