somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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