If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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