I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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