Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
