there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The adults are the big ones right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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