I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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