I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
