ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
