So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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