I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish you could order shots online.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
