apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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