im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My underwear smells like fireworks.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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