I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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