Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
