She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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