I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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