I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
