If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
