just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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