I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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