From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
