fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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