Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
