You can't motorboat a personality
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
