No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
