if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
