you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
