what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
