you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
