it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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