idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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