I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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