I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
