Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He better not be in your backpack
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
