Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
