There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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