Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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