you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
