goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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