You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
