mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
