Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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