new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
