All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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