I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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