Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
