allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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