When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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