I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
